I'm Dying Inside

It's been three weeks now. I miss being pregnant. I miss Adrianna. I feel like I’ve failed as a Mommy and I didn’t protect her like I was supposed to. Wasn’t there something I could have done? Should I have fought more at the hospital? Should I not have let them “induce” me? Should I have kept her longer before I let the nurses take her away? Should I asked to have seen her one more time before I left the hospital? I just feel so empty inside. I don’t have words for the pain I’m feeling. I just am not sure how one can make it through the end of this. I want a baby so bad, and now I have to start all over again, but with even more fear than I had before. I keep calling to her asking her to come back, but she doesn’t listen. She can’t come back, and I know that but a part of me keeps hoping for a miracle. What do I do now?

Adrianna's Birth Story

Sunday (May 1st), I started having random shooting pains in my lower abdomen. I really didn’t think much of it, and chalked it up to round ligament pains. Monday, I noticed that every time I got the pain, I had to pee. Figured I had a UTI, and got a urinalysis done. Tuesday night, the pains were very bad. Wednesday early morning, I had a huge glob of CM on the toilet paper. I called my OB and got an appointment for 9:40 that morning. I have a doppler and was able to find the h/b right away at 150 bpm. I knew my baby was fine, so I wasn’t really stressing out. I got to the Dr’s office, and he found the h/b right away. His doppler showed 149 bpm. PERFECT! He assured me that everything seemed great, but wanted to do a pelvic exam just in case. He was chatty, and then all of a sudden he got quiet. He quickly stopped the exam, told me I was prematurely dilating, and told me to get dressed. I sat there for a good 45 minutes waiting for him to come back. I heard a lot of noise outside the exam room and kept hearing the nurses telling my Dr. that other Dr’s were on the phone for him. After what seemed like eternity (while I sat in there scared to death and crying), he came back in and told me that I needed to go see a high risk Dr, and since my husband wasn’t with me, I would have to go by ambulance. This hospital was about an hour away. I finally made it to the hospital a few hours later with my mom, sister, and best friend waiting for me, and got into my room. The specialist came in right away and performed an internal ultrasound. The Dr. and a resident were looking at the screen and pointing at certain sections without saying a word. I knew that there was something obvious since they didn’t even have to discuss it. They turned the screen so she could explain to me what they saw. Well, my baby was moving and jumping around happy as can be. What she showed me was that the cervix was open, and baby’s feet were hanging out of the uterus. How could this be without me even feeling it? This wasn’t making any sense to me. She then did a pelvic exam. My OB told me he thought I was 2-3 cm dilated. Well, she told me that her findings were not what his were. I was already 7 cm dilated, a paper thin cervix, and the bag was bulging out. There was nothing she could do. She informed me that I would be delivering soon, and they wouldn’t be able to help baby at all because it is too early. In order for there to be any chance, I would have to be at least 25 weeks along. I would have had to make it another 6 weeks, which I had 0% chance of doing. All I could think of was that my baby was completely healthy and any time, my baby would be dead and it would be all my fault. So, My husband, mom, sisters, best friend, aunt, MIL, FIL, and DH’s cousin all came and stayed in the room with me. They inserted pills to bring labor on faster. I just wanted to get this over with. My contractions (NOW I know what those pains were. I wonder if I would have known, if I would have been able to prevent this) were getting a lot closer together, and were getting stronger and stronger. Since I was so far dilated and had such a small baby inside me, I figured I wouldn’t need any meds. Well, I finally got Tylenol with codeine. That didn’t help, it got worse. I asked for something else, but kept insisting I didn’t want an epidural. I thought that would be silly. Well, whatever it was they gave me made me feel weird for about 2 minutes. Never took an edge from the pain.They had everyone leave the room (besides DH) and did another internal exam and put another one of those pills in there. I hated them doing this as they were roughly shoving that pill as deep as they could. My contractions were so close together, I’m pretty sure that it was just one gigantic contraction that never stopped. It was horrible. I was in such pain that I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to die. I finally gave in and wanted an epidural. They called the anesthesiologist and told me it would take 15 minutes. Well, about two minutes later, I felt an urge to push, and I felt something came out. I told the nurse, and sure enough, about half the bag was hanging out. She got a Resident to come in, and my baby (still in the bag) was born at 11:01 pm. on Wednesday, May 4th. IT’S A GIRL. My baby was beautiful. She passed away immediately. Adrianna weighed 6.6 oz and was 7 3/4 inches long. She had long fingers, my nose, and DH’s toes. We are so in love with our little angel. All of our visitors came back in. Everyone got to hold her and the Chaplin performed a blessing. After a while, everyone went home. I didn’t want to give my baby back. I wasn’t ready. A little after 1, we had to move to another room. I asked if Adrianna could come with me, and they let her. We got settled in the room, and DH fell asleep. Even though I was so tired, I couldn’t sleep. I had my baby and I couldn’t stop touching, kissing and admiring her. Around 4:15 am, I noticed her fingers and toes were getting hard. I had to let her go. I woke up my husband and told him he needed to say his goodbyes. I called the nurse and told her that they could come get her. I finally said goodbye, and I just laid there sobbing. That’s the last time I got to see by baby. I don’t care that she was so tiny, bald, couldn’t open her eyes or didn’t take any breaths. She was absolutely perfect.We opted to contact a funeral home. We cremated her so we can bring her home with us, where she belongs. I’m so thankful that we got a ton of pictures and have such supportive family and friends. We had a Memorial Service on Saturday, May14th, and it was so nice. A lot of people showed up to share their support. I miss my baby so much, and I hate the fact that I’m not pg anymore

I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, and will see a specialist on June 13th to talk about what happened, and what will happen in future pregnancies.

Where Do I Start?

Well, my name is Kim, and I'm 27. I started dating my husband, Manuel, when we were both 14, and got married when we were 20 (in 2004).
When I was a Sophomore in High School, I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was told at that point that I would have a hard time getting pregnant when I was ready, but I would just need to take a pill, and I would get pregnant with no problem. Well, my periods have always been irregular, since I got them at the early age of 11. I knew that "not-preventing" wouldn't work very well as I would go anywhere from a few months, to a year and a half without getting my period. Finally in May of 2006 I decided to see my OB and talk to him about trying to conceive. He started me on 50mg of Clomid, and I didn't ovulate. He gradually upped it to the max dose of 150mg, but it never worked. I quickly got anxious, and found a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I started driving an hour away multiple times a week at 5:30 in the morning so this specialist could watch my cycle while on Clomid and do an IUI when I ovulated. It worked!!! I got pregnant and we were so happy. I was lucky to get weekly ultrasounds to watch my baby grow. I went for my 9-week ultrasound right before going to Las Vegas, and baby was good. They even told me that the next week I would be able to see it moving around. I could hardly wait to get back from vacation to see this. Well, I went and my baby didn't have a heart beat anymore. I was in denial. I just couldn't believe it. My husband wasn't with me, so I just sat in my car and cried. I don't even know how I made it home. I had a D&C the next day, February 7, 2007. Chromosome testing showed a normal female fetus. No answers.
When we got the go ahead, we tried again. A few cycles later, I still didn't get pregnant. We decided to try IVF. We went through two cycles of this, and I never got pregnant. I decided I needed a break. This was too much of a roller coaster ride, and very tough on my body. I just couldn't do it anymore.
A little while later, I found an RE closer to home. I didn't want to go through IVF again, so we went the Clomid/IUI route again. A few cycles later, I still wasn't pregnant. I just couldn't handle it. I had a dose of Clomid leftover from my first RE, and I decided to take it on my own. I got pregnant! I just couldn't believe it! I was so nervous telling the Drs about me self-medicating. They didn't give me a hard time, and they found a strong heartbeat, and released me to my OB. My OB then did an U/S and found such a weak heartbeat at about 50bpm and informed me I was losing the baby. I lost this baby at 8 weeks and 5 days. How could this be? What was wrong with me? I had a D&C on November 18, 2008, just 3 days before my birthday. Chromosome testing showed a normal male fetus.
I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed a break. In May of 2010, we decided we would try again. I found yet another RE because I did not like my 2nd one, and the 1st one was too far away. This RE was wonderful. She was very caring, and determined to get me a baby. She did further testing on me, and determined that I'm compound heterozygous for the MTHFR gene mutations on A1298C and C677T. This puts me at a higher risk for blood clots and neuro tube defects, as my body can't process Folic Acid properly. We did two cycles of injectables (Menopur) and both times we got a negative, period, then a positive. Both times, about a week later, the tests were negative. She doesn't know what this was. Maybe a Chemical Pregnancy or a cross-reaction from the medication. Since it happened twice, I'm thinking a cross-reaction. Then, I started a new cycle December 25, 2010. To my disbelief, I got a positive test on January 20, 2011!!! I still find it hard to believe. Everything was going great. I "graduated" from my RE, and started seeing my OB. After multiple Ultrasounds, I didn't even have to go weekly anymore! I got a doppler, and at 15 weeks, I was able to find the heartbeat myself. I would listen to my baby at least once a day. I don't think there is a baby on earth more wanted than this baby. May 7th we were going to find out what we were having, and then we were going on a shopping spree!!!